Probably, each parent eventually raises the question: "How to wean a child from lying?" Someone asks them long before children appear in the family. Others become seriously worried when they face the problem directly. But help in such a complex and controversial issue does not hinder each parent. Moreover, it is better to turn not to psychologists who capitalize on family problems (and therefore rarely contribute to their effective solution), but to their own wisdom, logic and knowledge of their child.
Why do children lie?
Perhaps this is the most important issue. If you can find the answer to it, then half the work has already been done. Unfortunately, dealing with him is especially difficult. It’s not enough just to know your own child well. You also need to be able to put yourself in his place, to remember how you were at his age. And thanks to this, you can understand why he is telling a lie, but here you can already figure out how to wean a child from lying - at 5 or 15, it does not matter.
Let's consider some of the most important and simple rules.
Separating lies from fantasies
Quite often, parents of 5-6 year old children clutch their heads: "The child is constantly lying!" In fact, at this age, children lie quite rarely. But they fantasize - extremely active. Moreover, fantasies are often so interesting for them that they do not very well distinguish them from reality. It is understandable that they will describe their parents everyday life, generously seasoning their story with fictional adventures. Usually this is not so difficult to identify if you give your child at least a minute of time and think logically.
Someone broke a vase when there was no one in the house except the child, and he denies any involvement? Quite a lie.
He tells how he traveled with his friends - a teddy bear and a robot - through a magical land? The child is happy to share the fictional world with you, to let you into it.
Therefore, the first must be condemned. And the second is desirable to encourage. Is it bad when a person has a rich imagination? After all, it will always be fun with him - both in childhood and in adulthood.
Fear of punishment
Quite often you have to look for a way to wean a child 10 years old, and also a little older or younger, to parents who regularly punish children.
As in the example of the vase discussed above, the child is trying to shift the blame for his misconduct to others or to some fictitious circumstances. It is almost always easy to bring a young deceiver to clean water. Of course, he must understand: a lie never exempts from punishment, on the contrary, exacerbates it.
However, it’s still worth pondering - is punishment for misconduct not too harsh? Still, children always remain children - it is difficult for them to predict the consequences of their actions, and they physically cannot sit still all day doing boredom.
Family problems
One of the most serious difficulties arises in not very prosperous families. Children even subconsciously react very sensitively to changes in the behavior of their parents. And any conflicts lead to the emergence of a lie. Here you have to work very seriously to understand how to wean a child from lying at the age of 12 or older.
Track his behavior. If a lie is often combined with excessive aggression, even vandalism (screaming, cursing, breaking one’s or others’s things), then the problem lies not with the child at all, but with the parents or the immediate environment. The children quickly notice that the parents who are very quarreling among themselves unite against them if they do something demonstrably bad.
We give the simplest example. Parents sort things out on elevated tones in the kitchen. The child enters there, takes a plate from the table and demonstratively breaks it, after which he claims that it was not he who did it. Parents, having forgotten about the recent conflict, begin to scold him. For a while they again become a family. Believe me, children do not like it when they are caught on such lies and scolded. But the fact that the parents forgot about the quarrel, even for a while, makes them go for a frankly bad deed.
In this situation, do not look for a way to wean a child 7 years old (or 8, or any other age). Try to deal with your own problems, and preferably in private. You will see: when any differences are resolved, the family will again become a reliable unit of society, the lies will simply disappear as such.
Protest
Sometimes problems appear even in extremely prosperous, almost ideal (especially when viewed from the side) families. And this happens when the child becomes a teenager. To understand how to wean a child 11 years old and older, try to remember yourself at his age.
Never judge in haste - always remember that a child, a teenager and an adult are three completely different creatures.
When talking with parents, a 5-7-year-old child is always happy to share any secrets, tells what happened in kindergarten and school, in communication with friends. But with age, he no longer feels his former attachment to his parents, he realizes ever greater independence. Adults, however, are unaware of this, demanding that they maintain their former frankness. Sometimes they even begin to put pressure when the child does not want to talk about everything. This is where the deception comes into play.
Of course, constant monitoring can sometimes protect the child from problems. But much more often it leads to the fact that family relations simply fall apart, a conflict arises.
Lack of freedom
This situation stems directly from the above. The older the child becomes, the more freedom he wants to get. Therefore, you need to seriously think about your own behavior before you look for a way to wean a child lying 10 years or older.
He is 15-17 years old, he wants to walk with friends, travel, try new things, and his parents strictly forbid him all this? Yes, they protect him from problems. But even from real life, growing up also protects. As a result, he begins to bustle, underestimate, or even openly lie.
Of course, the child and the teenager should not be given complete freedom - they can seriously break firewood. But if you know that he will go to a concert of your favorite band anyway, with or without your consent, it’s better to make a certain relief. This will show your son or daughter that you are still on their side, and you will be protected from almost inevitable lies.
Do not heat up
Some parents, having caught a child in a lie, arrange a real tragedy. Yes, it is very disappointing when the children tell a lie. But, sad as it may seem, lies are almost an integral part of modern life. It is impossible to find a person who would live a life without ever telling an untruth.
Therefore, in the first place, you can advise not to panic, not to dramatize once again. You need to act confidently, firmly, but thoughtfully. Think about whether you yourself are to blame for provoking the child. And after that, make a decision - to punish or pardon.
New age - new baby
Probably any experienced, wise parent knows perfectly well that the advice on how to wean a child to lie at 8 years old and at 16 years old is very different.
First of all, because of the motives of the child. This has already been mentioned above. Let's look at why a child can lie at different stages of becoming a person.
From 3 to 5 years, lies are very rarely thought out, aimed at obtaining a certain benefit. But if it does, then it must be toughly suppressed - by punishments, boycotts, cutbacks in some goods. If here lies for the sake of lies, then, most likely, this is just a fantasy - this has already been said.
From 6 to 12 years old, you are already dealing with almost a teenager. Here the lie is already much more thought out, cunning, planned. Therefore, it is desirable to punish a liar - decisively, even defiantly. Usually a child is lying, in order to avoid punishment, to get some kind of reward.
Over 12 years old, the child is already becoming a teenager - almost an adult. He needs freedom, independence, his own life. And his parents are not ready to give him all this. As a result, a serious generational conflict begins. But it can be avoided. We will talk about this a bit later.
The main thing is to understand: the tips on how to wean a child of 10 years old lie very different from the tips for a 5- or 15-year-old child.
Choose the right punishment
The punishment for lying should be tough. Shouting, physical impact (of course, for educational purposes, and not real beatings), curtailment of some usual rights (walking, pocket money, sweets, playing at the computer) usually work perfectly.
It is very important that the child really felt the consequences of his lies. If he feels that the punishment was very lenient, then soon we should expect the next batch of lies - more thoughtful, subtle and cunning. Revealing it will be much more difficult.
This is not the whim of "home tyrants." At an early age, children absolutely do not understand what lies can turn into. They are not experienced and far-sighted for this. Undermining trust in the family, quarreling with friends, problems at school - it all starts with harmless and petty lies. So, by roughly punishing the child, inspiring real fear of a lie, you will protect him from serious troubles in the future, for which he will thank you more than once when he grows up.
Is it always worth the punishment?
But nevertheless, it is advisable to thoroughly understand every fact of a lie, and not to cut off the shoulder, not to act according to the pattern.
Indeed, sometimes children act illogically, but really noble. Knowing that his best friend will get through a broken window, he can begin to cover it, even take the blame on himself to shield his comrade.
How do you act in this case? Talk to him first. Discuss the situation from different angles. On the one hand, he acts nobly, protecting a friend. This is appreciated in childhood and even more in adulthood. On the other hand, if a friend asked for such a favor, is it worth further talking with him? After all, attempts to use the nobility of your son can lead to trouble such a duet. As a result, the culprit may come out of the water dry.
Your child does not understand this - there is not enough worldly experience. And you should have enough. And your parental duty is to help him in such an ambiguous situation. Well, to punish for such a lie or not - decide for yourself.
Become an example
Before you think how to wean a 9 year old child from lying, carefully consider: do you have the right to do so? Unfortunately, very often parents demanding perfect honesty from their children cannot serve as an example. Think about whether children are watching lies in your family? A person you don’t want to talk to is ringing on your phone and you are asking your wife to answer, to say that you supposedly forgot your mobile at home? Call your boss asking for sick leave because of the flu while you are going fishing? Children see it all and ... repeat.
To erase even a single case of lies from the memory of children, you will have to spend many months. Try not to bring lies seeds to your family, and you can be sure that they will not germinate in your children. Well, if this does happen, you can confidently punish them, knowing that it’s not your fault for the appearance of lies.
Well, just try to keep that word. After all, having promised to take a walk with the child after work, and instead spending the evening on your own affairs, you are also deceiving him.
Let's get more freedom
The last piece of advice again concerns children age and independence. Try to give your child freedom so that she does not hit the head. After all, sooner or later, any normal person begins to live separately from their parents. One at 16, and the other at 25. And being without adult control, those who have previously lived under constant control often make serious mistakes, sometimes breaking their lives.
Therefore, instead of thinking how to wean a child 8 years old or older, try to create conditions in which he does not want to do this. Gradually offering more and more freedom, you help children get used to it, accept not only freedom, but also responsibility for each of their actions. Perhaps this is the best that a loving and wise parent can do for his child, to whom he wishes good.
Conclusion
On this our article comes to an end. We hope you can now deal with many cases of lies in your family, and maybe even avoid them. So, live your whole life surrounded by close, loving people who will always be faithful and reliable.