Sometimes children show strange behavior: they bite, beat or cut themselves, call names and blame, pull out their hair - that is, they show aggression towards themselves, as if ignoring the pain and the law of self-preservation. Many parents at such moments feel helpless and do not know what to do with the child’s auto-aggression, how to help him and how to avoid this in the future. We will try to figure this out.
What is autoaggression
Auto-aggression refers to destructive actions directed by a person towards himself. These can be actions of a different nature - physical and psychological, conscious and unconscious - which feature is self-harm. Often signs of auto-aggression are physical damage to the body. Typically, this behavior is accompanied by characteristic psychological features: low self-esteem, shyness, high sensitivity, isolation, a tendency to depressive state, or sudden mood swings.
What happens autoaggression
There are many different types of autoaggression.
- A person can inflict bodily harm to himself: bite himself, beat, cut, pinch, scratch, pull out his hair.
- It can also cause physical harm to itself through refusal of food or, conversely, gluttony and inability to refuse certain foods, even if they bring obvious harm.
- A person may not harm himself directly, but provoke others to do this or put himself in dangerous, risky situations.
- Auto-aggressive actions can be considered bad habits, for example, smoking, drinking, drug addiction.
- A person may try to commit suicide, demonstrate suicidal behavior.
- Auto-aggression can remain on the psychological plane: a person scolds, denigrates and defames himself, is prone to self-blaming and self-abasement.
Symptoms of auto-aggression may vary depending on the nature of its manifestation and be more or less obvious. If traces of bodily harm are easily noticed, it can be more difficult to determine auto-aggression in self-accusations or in love for risky situations.
Why autoaggression occurs
Most often, the causes of auto-aggression lie in the psychological sphere. Children absorb the atmosphere in which they are, copy the behavior of adults. When the family has a difficult psychological situation, punishments and screams are accepted, and parents often show anger and irritation, the child automatically acts in accordance with this pattern. If he has done something bad and is afraid of punishment, he can start to beat himself, because he is sure that it is right. Often, the child suffers from self-doubt and is inclined to blame himself for what he did not do. Children are prone to self-centeredness, so he can decide that the reason for his mom’s or dad’s bad mood is some kind of his misconduct, even if in reality this is not so. Auto-aggression can also occur if the child is not punished and do not shout at him. The psyche of children can be different, and for someone, ridicule and jokes can be a strong blow. The same applies to complaints and reproaches: if a child is constantly told that he is worse, dumber, slower than others and does not live up to parental expectations, then this can cause him to feel guilty, with which he will not be able to cope.
An important feature of a child who is prone to auto-aggression is difficulties in the social sphere. It is not easy for him to communicate with others, and in this case, to hit another is also an act of communication. Often such children are shy, withdrawn, it is difficult for them to talk about themselves and share their experiences. If the child feels anger or irritation, then he is afraid to express them directly or to talk about them, so he has to pour out these negative experiences outward as he knows how - through self-mutilation. Also, such children are very sensitive, it is difficult for them to observe the suffering of another, and sometimes they can inflict damage on themselves, as if taking part of another person’s pain on themselves.
The cause of childhood auto-aggression may be some kind of irritant, which the child himself does not realize and does not understand where else to direct his dissatisfaction. This can be not only a psychological, but also a physical irritant, for example, uncomfortable or too warm clothing. Autoaggression is often present with autism. At the moment, the causes of this disease are unknown, but most likely they are not purely psychological, and it has some physiological factors. Therefore, it is likely that a predisposition to auto-aggression in some cases may be associated with disturbances in the body, for example, causing constant background irritation. In addition, a different degree of sensory sensitivity may be the cause. In the case of insufficient sensitivity, the child can strike himself to feel something, and in the case of hypersensitivity, the usual everyday sensations are annoying, like tickling, and cause a desire to do at least something.
Avoiding autoaggression
Prevention of autoaggression is the development of a stable psyche in a child, thanks to which he will be able to adequately respond to various events, including problems and difficulties that arise in his life. Try to create at home a calm, harmonious and trusting atmosphere in which all family members support each other. It is advisable to avoid scandals and punishments: such an experience can accustom a child to the fact that anger and cruelty are the norm.
Do not forbid your child to explore the world. Do not forget that children and adults study reality in different ways: children do it more directly, trying something to taste, breaking objects and slapping in puddles, while you are likely to just read about the article you are interested in. It may seem strange for adults to wallow on the ground, but for a child it can be not just pampering, but, for example, interest in various natural materials, research and training of his vestibular apparatus, or massage necessary for his body. Try not to forbid the child to do what attracts him, just because you do not understand it. Another thing is that you can explain to him that the earth is now cold and he can catch a cold, and offer an alternative that is more acceptable from your point of view - for example, to lie not on the ground, but on a gymnastic mat, or play in a pool filled with plastic balls.
Try not to criticize the child. Making mistakes is also a way to explore the world. Before a child learns to tie shoelaces, or to wash dishes, or to read, he will do it wrong many times, but this does not mean that he is poor and loser - it means that he is learning. In order to continue, in spite of difficulties, he needs faith that in the end he will be able to do this. Fear of doing something wrong in some cases can be no less harmful than the mistake itself.
A good prevention of auto-aggression can be the habit of taking care of your own body, feeling it, and being able to use it. Therefore, it is advisable to accustom the child to any physical activity, but without fanaticism: sports can also be traumatic and dangerous to health. Develop a child’s attention to your sensory sensations, which can be done with the help of various training games: for example, you can walk barefoot on different textured surfaces and try to guess what it is; or you can walk blindfolded along the street; or you can cook food with an unusual taste - meat with jam, for example.
How to overcome autoaggression
Unfortunately, today there is no specific way to treat auto-aggression, such as a pill that you can drink, or a clear plan of action that you need to adhere to guaranteed success. This is a complex problem, and each parent has to act according to the situation and often intuitively, guided by the understanding of his child and the knowledge of what will be better for him. However, of course, there are general recommendations.
First, you need to understand that it is pointless to fight auto-aggression, trying to eliminate the destructive actions themselves, but ignoring the cause of their occurrence. You cannot take something from life without giving anything in return. If you simply forbid the child to do something, then he will either start doing it secretly from you, or he will do something else, no less destructive. For example, a teenager who has stopped biting his nails will start smoking. And even if you do not prohibit self-destructive actions, but demonstrate the fear caused by them, or irritation, or disgust, this will further aggravate the psychological problems of the child. To cope with auto-aggression, parents need to remain calm and show with their whole appearance that what is happening is not a disaster, but simply a difficulty that can be solved. In a sense, open auto-aggression has a positive role: it will be much worse if a child starts to hate and despise himself, without showing it outwardly, because one day it will lead to a crisis to which everyone will be unprepared.
Secondly, you need to try to understand the psychological causes of auto-aggression and, if possible, work through them. Teach your child to pronounce his worrying feelings and sensations, translate them into words. Start with yourself - be open, tell him what is happening to you and what you feel. There is no need to deny him answers to questions of interest to him, because he is still small and will not understand: he will not wait until he grows up, but will come up with his own explanation. A child, especially a small one, does not understand how the world works, what laws and rules are in it. If he sees that his mother is upset, he can decide that the reason is in him and his bad behavior, even if in fact the mother is just tired or she has trouble at work. Such a false sense of guilt can lead him to desire in one way or another to punish himself. The child needs to be helped to become more self-confident, to make him feel loved. If he has a hobby or interest in some business, help him achieve success in this business - this will give him a reason to respect himself and increase his self-esteem. Talk to him about your love and show your love - with hugs, kisses, attention, sympathy. Take a sincere interest in his experiences and thoughts, do not devalue them with ridicule, criticism, or even assurances that in reality everything is not so scary.
Thirdly, it is necessary to switch the actions of the child from the destructive channel to the constructive, that is, to teach him to express his aggression in a different way. Physical activity and sports can help. However, it must be borne in mind that children who are prone to auto-aggression are often timid and indecisive, so it may be difficult for them to participate in games in which there is a competitive moment. Classes with specialists working at the intersection of psychology and bodily practices can be very effective, and it will be useful for parents to participate. Tactile games can be an effective treatment for auto-aggression (especially for young children). For example, try to hug the child tightly and do not let go, saying "Do not let go, do not let go, do not let go," or just squeeze it more often. You can try to play role-playing games in which he will be a predator, and you will be a victim, or vice versa. Or play that you are wild animals growling at each other - use stories in games that will help the child express his aggression. But do not forget that it should be interesting and fun to play, if you feel that he has become scared and unpleasant - stop the game. Another possible way to constructively express aggression can be creativity, for example, singing, dancing, free drawing, modeling from clay or clay, writing poems or stories.
Auto-aggression in babies
In different years, autoaggression can have different features, although, of course, the division of children by years is rather arbitrary: these groups smoothly flow into each other, and early behavior can persist with age.
Toddlers act impulsively. At this age, a child can distinguish himself from another person and from the world around him: he beats his hand because she does not obey him, or because he wants to hit his mother, and she is not nearby. He may also become accustomed to punishment as due, and begin to punish himself. For a small child, sensory sensations, hugs, especially maternal ones, are very important. The best way to stop the baby’s auto-aggression attack is to hold him tightly but gently and hold him in his arms for some time.
Auto-aggression in preschoolers
At this age, children actively explore the world around them and their own body and can do harm to themselves out of interest - to see what happens. In this case, you need to teach them to show curiosity in a less dangerous way, talk about scientific research and the rules of the conduct. The emotions of other people play a large role for preschoolers, and they may mistakenly consider themselves their cause, blame themselves for the annoyed mood of mom or dad, and punish for it. From about three to four years old, children learn to play tricks and pretend, and auto-aggression in a preschool child may be an attempt to attract attention. But this does not mean that it must be ignored: such things mean some psychological problems that need to be worked on. In preschoolers, games are an effective way to combat auto-aggression, and it is also important to teach them how to speak openly about their experiences.
Autoaggression in primary school students
When a child goes to school, he is faced with new difficulties for himself. He changes the daily routine and the nature of mental stress, he has to adapt to the new social environment. For the child's psyche, this is a stress that can be difficult for someone to handle. If learning is difficult for a child, his or her self-esteem is often lowered. Perhaps he feels that he has not met the expectations of his parents, compares himself with other students or his brothers and sisters - not in his favor. In this case, he can resort to self-destructive actions, because he believes that he deserves them. Auto-aggression in a child of this age can be sabotage: the child does not talk about his difficulties, but simply tries to get sick so as not to go to school. It can also be an attempt to manipulate parents, get more attention and care from them.
Autoaggression in adolescents
In a grown child, auto-aggression is complicated by psychological difficulties inherent in the transition period. When trying to help them, adolescents may deny that they are showing auto-aggression, or insist that they have the right to decide for themselves how to live, or to do something demonstratively, in spite of their parents. They have already largely formed and resist the efforts of adults to change their habits and beliefs. Transitional age is the time when a person learns to truly take responsibility for his life, make decisions, make one or another choice. No matter how painful it is for parents to realize this, they will not be able to save him from all the mistakes. But if a teenager has trust and respect for them, they can teach him to avoid fatal mistakes, the consequences of which can no longer be changed. However, if before this the relationship between the child and the parents did not differ in warmth and trust, then adjusting them now can be a difficult task. At this age, children are especially intolerant of hypocrisy. If adults try to “treat auto-aggression” in a teenager, but at the same time they are prone to such actions (for example, have bad habits), then this will not only not lead to the desired result, but can also make him disappointed in the authority of adults in general.
To help a teenager with auto-aggression, try to turn to his mind. Openly share your feelings with him about his behavior, but acknowledge his right to decide how he should deal with his difficulties - this will give him the opportunity to feel responsibility for his choice. However, pay his attention that his life experience is still objectively small, and if he wants to act reasonably, it would be useful for him to take into account the advice of more knowledgeable people - perhaps not his parents, but some kind of authoritative person, specialist, psychologist.
The danger of auto-aggression
No need to ignore if your child is harming himself or showing signs of self-destructive behavior. Even if it looks innocent now, it can become a habit and become a serious problem in the future. The consequences of auto-aggression can be physical injuries and injuries that disrupt the normal functioning of the body or lead to a loss of aesthetic appeal. Even if you simply stop committing self-destructive actions without solving the psychological problems that caused them, then psychosomatic diseases may appear in the future. In addition, the very life of a person who wants to harm himself can hardly be called happy.
However, panic is also not necessary. Autoaggression is a litmus test showing what is happening in the human psyche. The problem is obvious, and it can be solved at any age if the person himself recognizes it and wants to solve it.