Do you feel comfortable in your family? The house is a fortress, it is a place where it is safe, comfortable, where you feel mutual understanding, love and harmony. But, unfortunately, not all families can say so.
Sometimes in the home circle problems arise in relationships, the material and emotional needs of each other are ignored, tyrannical communication predominates. Such cells of society are usually called dysfunctional. A more scientific and less offensive term is “dysfunctional families”. In the article, we consider their features, characteristics, types and impact on other members.
No matter how offensive it may be, but maybe it will be about you or your family? Do you need to reconsider your behavior and methods of communication? After all, it is they who form the personality of the children, who subsequently can become “difficult”.
What family can be called dysfunctional?
The concept of a dysfunctional family can be deciphered as follows. This is a microsocium in which cruel rules and destructive behavior are used and encouraged that do not change over time. Moreover, this may be characteristic not only of one person, but also of all family members. In such an environment, there is no respect, personal value, recognition of merit, the ability to openly express one’s desires. Any problems are usually not discussed, not solved and hidden from other people.
As a result, members of a dysfunctional family cannot satisfy their needs for personal and spiritual growth, self-actualization, development, and they get a feeling of inferiority and other psychological problems.
Such a unit of society is not capable of properly performing its functions (household, material, reproductive, educational, emotional, controlling, spiritual communication, and others).
Factors for the formation of a dysfunctional family
As you know, dysfunctional families do not appear on their own. Several factors contribute to this.
- Socio-economic. This is a low material status, irregular income, low-paid and non-prestigious work, poor living conditions.
- Criminal. Drug addiction, alcoholism, an immoral lifestyle, a criminal record, domestic fights, a manifestation of sadism and abuse towards family members.
- Socio-demographic. These are single-parent families with many children, adopted and adopted children, remarriages and elderly parents.
- Medical and social. One or more family members have chronic disorders, disability, and other illnesses (from depression to cancer). This factor also includes adverse environmental conditions, harmful work, neglect of hygiene and sanitary standards. These features of dysfunctional families are often associated with the following factor.
- Socio-psychological. These are pedagogically illiterate families with deformed value orientations, destructive and conflicting relations between spouses, children and parents. Usually one or more forms of violence are observed (physical, emotional, neglect, sexual). In principle, many psychological problems can be a factor. For example, some kind of unhappy grief that interferes with the implementation of marital functions and childcare.
Of course, this does not mean that a family with many children or with low income is necessarily dysfunctional. Even in this situation, a loving and harmonious atmosphere can reign in the house. All factors must be considered from different angles. But it is worth considering that in the aggregate they give only a reinforcing effect.
Features of dysfunctional families
Usually in a dysfunctional environment you can find complex and strained relationships. For example, divorced or conflicting parents, father or mother who are not involved in raising children, chronic hostility between relatives. Constant quarrels, a week of silence after them, and sometimes even fights are a common occurrence for a destructive family.
In such microgroups, especially in men, there are often problems with drugs or alcohol. Women often have psychosomatic health problems, which they call chronic and intractable diseases. Of course, during the examination they will not be confirmed, because such problems simply "sit in the head." But women blame the blame for their illnesses on other family members (including children), deftly manipulating behavior and directing it in the right direction.
Dysfunctional families are cyclical. In it lies the cause of dysfunction. All rules and stereotypes of behavior pass from one family to another through generations. That is, thinking is simply inherited from the ancestors. It is because of him that this or that tragedy happens in generations of families.
Let’s say, the mother took care of and manipulated her son too much. It is not surprising that a dependent man who does not have an opinion will grow out of him. Or another example. If the father was an alcoholic, then the daughter is almost one hundred percent likely to marry the same person. And this will not be an accident, the choice will occur on a subconscious level. Of course, this can be avoided if you recognize the problem in time.
What is characteristic of a dysfunctional family
Consider what are the signs of a dysfunctional family by which to judge the dysfunction.
- Denial of existing problems and preservation of illusions.
- Conflict in relationships. Scandals are constantly repeated, but problems are not discussed and not solved.
- The absolutism of control and power.
- The polarity of emotions, feelings and judgments.
- The lack of differentiation of the self. If dad is in a bad mood, then it will be like that for everyone.
- There is no close communication. It is not customary to discuss personal issues directly.
- The ban on expressing feelings, especially negative ones (anger, resentment, discontent). Most often this applies to children.
- Strict system of requirements and rules.
- A family rarely or does not spend time together.
- Excessive use of alcohol or drugs.
- Sozavisimost. This condition is inherent in the relatives of a person who is a slave to alcohol or drugs. This is a huge stress for all family members. They are forced to build their lives in accordance with what, when and how much their loved one will use. That is why a dysfunctional family and co-dependence are inextricably linked.
- The presence of a common secret that can not be told to anyone. It is about hiding the criminal past, chemical addiction and other shortcomings of the family.
- Isolation. It is not customary to go to visit and host them. Therefore, there is often excessive fixation in communication with each other.
Roles in an Inharmonious Family
Based on these signs, we can conclude that there are certain roles in a destructive microsocium. Moreover, it is strictly forbidden to change them. Such attempts are immediately stopped in the bud.
So what are the roles in a dysfunctional family? Usually parents act as oppressors towards children, feeling absolute power and control. And those, in turn, are becoming oppressed. Although often there are situations when the husband suppresses his wife or vice versa.
Parents feel that they are the masters of the child and decide for themselves what is right or wrong and what they need to do. Adults do not believe that emotional closeness should exist in a happy family. In children, obedience is valued above all because they must be “comfortable.” Will is regarded as stubbornness, which must immediately be broken. Otherwise, the parents will lose control of the situation, and the child will come out of their oppression.
You also cannot express your opinion and ask why you need to obey all adults. This is a violation of the rules of a destructive family, an encroachment on the power and sanctity of parents. In order to feel safe and somehow survive, children believe that adults are good and unconditionally fulfill all their requirements. Only in adolescence does a child begin to criticize parents and resist strict rules. Then the “most interesting” begins.
Dysfunctional families are also characterized by addiction to power and violence. Moreover, it can be physical, emotional, sexual and can be expressed in the satisfaction of needs (parents can punish them with hunger, make them walk in torn clothes, and so on). If the child did wrong, received a deuce at school or showed disobedience, a kick, a blow or other cruel punishment will immediately follow.
Poor children get psychological trauma for life. Often, against this background, the desire for victimization develops. This unconscious desire to act as a victim, the willingness to become a slave. For example, a woman-pleaser, a beating wife, cohabitation with an alcoholic, marriage to a powerful woman, and so on.
The rules of the three “no”
Dysfunctional families live by their own cruel rules, but usually they come down to three requirements.
1. Do not feel. You can’t openly express your feelings, especially negative ones. If something is not pleasant - be silent. Also, dysfunctional families rarely see hugs or kisses.
2. Do not speak. You can not discuss problems and taboo topics. The most common prohibition is talking about sexual needs. It is not customary to express your thoughts, requests and desires directly. For this, allegories and manipulations are used. For example, a wife wants her husband to wash the dishes. But she will not ask about it directly, but will only often hint and express discontent. Or another case. Mom tells her daughter: "Tell your brother to take out the trash." People from destructive families do not say anything in person, do not know how to ask for help. Therefore, they bypass this and use intermediaries.
3. Do not trust. Not only do dysfunctional families do not know how to resolve conflicts themselves, so they do not discuss them with others and do not seek help. Such microgroups are more accustomed to living in social isolation. Therefore, all efforts are spent on maintaining a false image of an exemplary family.
Here are some more common rules.
- You can not have fun. In inharmonious families, it is believed that to have fun, enjoy life, play, relax and enjoy is bad and even sinful.
- “Do as you are told, and not as I do.” Children copy adult behavior. But parents often scold and punish the child for behaving like them. People do not like to notice their shortcomings, and from the children they expect the impossible. Here is an example. Mom explains to her son that in the evening you need to be quiet and try not to make noise, as the neighbors are resting and can already sleep. And then a drunk dad comes home, starts scattering furniture and screaming loudly. How to understand the child that you can not make noise in the evenings?
- Belief in unfulfilled hopes. This habit is manifested in excessive dreaminess and can be found in all family members. "We will wait a bit, something will happen, and everything will be fine with us."
Types of Destructive Families
Types of dysfunctional families can be considered from the perspective of the development (degradation) of such a microsocium.
Inharmonious family. It is characterized by actual inequality, restriction of personal growth and coercion, when one exploits the other.
Destructogenic family. This type is characterized by conflicts, excessive independence and autonomy, irresponsibility of emotional attachments, lack of mutual assistance and cooperation.
A collapsing family. It is characterized by extremely high conflict, which over time covers more and more spheres of life. Family members cease to fulfill their functions and duties, but they are kept together by common living space. The marriage of the spouses, in principle, broke up, but so far this has no legal registration.
Broken family. The husband and wife carried out a divorce, but even so, they may be forced to perform certain functions. We are talking about material support for former spouses, a common child and raising children. Often, the communication of such a family continues to be accompanied by serious conflicts.
One variety cannot be attributed to these dysfunctional types of families ; we will consider it separately.
Pseudoharmonious family
At first glance, such a family is no different from a happy one. She seems to take care of the child, is capable of material support, and everyday activity seems to be an established system. It’s quite normal life. However, if you give up the first impression, then behind the wall of external well-being you can see serious problems.
Usually, one person establishes undemocratic rules and requirements, the non-fulfillment of which is followed by strict and severe punishments. This management style does not imply the participation of other family members in decision-making. Therefore, they are not asked what they would like. Households do not have emotional affection and love; relationships are more like a usurper system. Functional and dysfunctional families, although they are similar in appearance, but from the inside you can see all the problems.
Oddly enough, but such a microsocium can last quite a long time, even a lifetime. And children will suffer most from this if the situation is not changed on time.
How life in a dysfunctional family changes a child
Children from a destructive environment receive psychological trauma, which in the future can manifest itself in the form of many problems. This is self-doubt, neurotic disorders, various kinds of addictions, difficulties with trust and social adaptation, the inability to build close relationships with friends and the opposite sex. The list goes on and on.
Children in dysfunctional families learn to survive through psychological defense mechanisms . They create around themselves the illusion of affection and love, idealize and minimize these feelings. Anger and hatred are often spilled on objects, friends and relatives. Feelings are denied and blurred, as a result of which a person can become indifferent to everything.
A destructive environment teaches a child to deceive, condemn, make excessive demands on himself, to be a guard, too responsible or, on the contrary, careless. For such people, any changes are painful, especially those that are beyond their control. Often seek support and approval, but do not know how to accept praise. Children from a dysfunctional environment do not know how to value themselves, enjoy life and have fun in their leisure time. A family is created early and according to an already known pattern, that is, in accordance with the behavior of the parents.
Features of working with a dysfunctional family
Psychologists and other specialists in working with such families face a number of problems. Usually they are not ready to openly talk about their life, and the awareness of some things is perceived painfully. Some relatives hinder changes because they condemn the recommendations of the consultant and prevent them from being implemented. Spouses have no idea of the correct role-based behavior in the family, and it takes years to study.
The first step to solving a problem is its awareness. If you understand that not everything is good in your home environment, and you want to have a happy family, then everything is not lost. It's never too late to change, the main thing is to start.