Everyone knows that for a healthy and harmonious development of the child, he needs both father and mother. But our expectations and hopes do not always coincide with reality. Single mothers have long become the norm in the modern world. What problems lie in wait for children, and are there any differences in how to raise a boy and a girl without a father?
Third place in the number of single-parent families
Statistics is inexorable: 52% of all children in Russia are brought up in single-parent families. However, this seemingly critical indicator is by no means the highest in the world. The first place in the number of families where a child is raised without a father is Iceland (64%), and the second is Sweden (54%). Russia takes the "honorable" third place.
In the UK, the percentage of single mothers is 38%, in Finland - 36%. More than half of all children brought up in single-parent families are born to unmarried women. And this means that the institution of marriage over the past few decades has depreciated greatly: our contemporaries no longer attach much importance to family ties.
The second half of the children were originally born in happy unions, which for one reason or another broke up. This also includes families in which the second parent has died or his whereabouts are unknown.
According to the Federal State Statistics Service, for 149 single mothers there is one single father. In total, in Russia there are about 50 thousand dads who raise children without a mother.
The number of single mothers is truly shockingly huge: about 7 million women raise children without the support of husbands.
Infantilism of men and despair of women
Men disappear in different directions: some find themselves a new woman, others give up responsibility and disappear after the news of an unplanned pregnancy, still others drink and rowdy, fourth do not endure the difficulties of the baby’s first year of life and prefer the role of “weekend dad”, fifth die. All these situations have one common denominator: a woman raising a child without a father.
Today, all psychologists are talking about infantilism of the generation of the zero and 90s, about erasing the boundaries of formation and the so-called "growing up." If earlier it came with the end of a college, institute, acquisition of a profession, then today the forever young “children of the nineties” and at 30 consider themselves too young to be responsible for their family and new generation.
Even 20 years ago, children growing up in families without a father were an exception. You won’t surprise anyone today. The experience of fatherlessness in our country comes down only to the sad post-war years and therefore looks especially frightening. A woman left alone with her child, frightened by her mother or grandmother, lacking support and support, often experiences despair at the thought of raising a child without a father. Of course, there are special, subtle points and rules that should be taken into account by a single mother, but in general today everything is not as scary as half a century ago.
Separation of roles
In the life of babies up to 2-3 years, a man does not play a special role. Such babies still feel united with their mother and do not suffer much that in the evening they are not tickled under the arm with a bristly cheek tired after work of their father.
Of course, a whole layer of pleasant memories falls out of the lives of such children, such as a dad’s evening book near by, letting the boats in the bathroom, frisky horse and rider games, catching up on weekends. However, in the first years of a child’s life, it is the mother who needs to feel sorry and help: as a rule, she is in a depressed state, she may experience postpartum depression or despair.
This is not surprising: the fact that in complete families parents divide in half - walks, bathing, night vagaries, snot and crises - in incomplete families falls on the shoulders of a single woman. The presence of a grandmother nearby sometimes not only does not help, but sometimes exacerbates the situation: heavy conversations in the kitchen about the unfortunate fate of a daughter, constant moralizing about and without, the imposition of her parental experience can completely ruin an already difficult condition of a woman.
There is a reverse situation when a grandmother takes all the cares of caring for the baby and sends her daughter to "arrange" her life. Despite the seemingly positive attitude of such an arrangement, it is extremely destructive.
Maternal instinct and love does not always start with the first cry of the baby, she, like any deep and sincere feeling, is brought up and grows from the daily routine and concern for the baby. In the mother’s body, divorced from worries about the child whom she gave birth to not so long ago, a special mechanism is launched, conditionally called the “loss experience”. It destroys the hormones responsible for the formation of attachment, and is equally fatal to both the mother and the child.
Thus, a young woman, forced to raise a child without a father, must plunge into motherhood in the first years of his life, and leave her own role to her grandmother.
Father image
Regardless of when the man left the woman, the mother must by all means form a positive idea of the father in the child. If the baby has fragmentary or full memories of the second parent, if the father wishes to be present in the child’s life and does not pose a threat to his life and health, then they need to be supported.
It is difficult for a young mother to come to terms with the idea that dad, real or imagined, will somehow be present in her child’s life. But children do not tolerate emptiness and quickly fill up the lack of information with their fantasies. For healthy development, the baby must know that he was born in love, that he is loved and needed by both parents.
If a woman manages to arrange her personal life while the child is still small, then the bright image of her father will quietly and naturally be replaced by the figure of her stepfather. If not, then a positive idea of the pope will become that second pillar on which any person relies in one way or another. Agree that no one has become happier from the idea that he was born from a villain.
Say no to confusing stories
There are no specific rules on how to raise a child without a father, but the mysterious stories about spies and pilots should be left with you. Fortunately, the time has already passed when fatherlessness was considered something shameful, and mothers, trying to fence off their offspring from the ridicule of their peers, invented intricate stories about where the second parent had gone.
A single mother will have to come to terms with the fact that interest in her father’s personality will grow with her child. Once lying, mom, grandmother and all their entourage every day and year will more and more bind this lie in the swamp. And the more and sharper the disappointment of the child who learns the truth will be.
Talking about the father is brief, always in a positive way, according to the age of the baby. As a rule, children satisfy their interest and change the subject for a while.
Daddy princess
Most mothers raising a child without a father mistakenly believe that the absence of a man in the house will have a catastrophic effect on the boy and will not bring any negativity to the girl's life.
Unfortunately, this is an erroneous, but extremely common misconception. Being near dad is extremely important for children of both sexes. For a girl, dad is her first love, her first protector, an image in the image of which she will look for herself in the future husband.
Deprived of childhood male attention and affection, in the future a girl may suffer from all kinds of psychological and physical stresses, difficulties in building relationships with the opposite sex, and selecting a partner.
Nevertheless, single-parent families where girls are raised are much more stable and calmer than those where boys are raised. Usually, the mother knows the world of "princesses and bows," because she herself was once a girl, and is convinced (albeit sometimes erroneously) of the correctness of her own actions. And for a child, as you know, there is nothing worse than an anxious and insecure adult.
Raising a boy without a father
In a completely different position are the mothers of the boys. According to statistics, it is they who more often than others seek advice on raising a child without a father. Such women are forced to constantly balance, so as not to raise a "sissy" on the one hand, and on the other a rude dork, deprived of maternal warmth from childhood.
In the case of a girl who, in the view of parents of both sexes, usually requires a softer education, the mother always remains in the role of mother. Boys' mothers, as a rule, assume both roles and constantly rush from one extreme to another, instead of allowing themselves to be a woman and accept the situation.
How does a child grow without a father? He is usually surrounded by a bunch of women - mother, grandmother, educators, teachers, aunts and mother's friends. The baby is taken care of by everyone who is not lazy, and as a result, he grows up into a tucked-out and completely independent man.
Another bias is also possible - an imperious mother who is trying to grow a man out of her son. Here, "do not cry like a girl," and "dismissed the nurse." Day after day, the boy seeks approval and affection from his mother, but she, fearing to raise a "sissy", closes herself from him in all available ways. And then he finds himself another company, other authorities and loses touch with those closest to him.
A son is not a husband
What is the name of a child without a father? "Fatherlessness," you say. And you will be right and wrong at the same time. In single-parent families with one male child, an adult boy will sooner or later partially or completely replace his father. Usually this process begins at the age of 6, when children brought up in full families experience the Oedipus complex.
Since a mother raising a child without a father is often single, she voluntarily or involuntarily makes her son her companion. A woman shifts part of her worries to her son, in between, she shares with him the state of the family budget, initially as a joke, and after that she seriously discusses plans and expenses. The child, being in the age of falling in love with his mother, willingly joins this game.
In such a situation, it is important for a woman to often remind herself that the person next to her is her son, not her husband. She must by all means maintain her own social contacts and the contacts of her child. For example, going to an amusement park, suggest sharing this day with other children and their parents.
The same applies to relationships in single-parent families with several children: there, the oldest child very often "replaces" his father, becoming his mother's assistant and support, and thereby depriving himself of his childhood.
To be an adult but a woman
Single mothers have a great temptation to turn their children either into a waistcoat or into a scapegoat, and thereby spoil the little person's life and psyche. One of the basic rules on how to raise a child without a father is to remain on their own roles.
All kinds of manipulations like “did you think about your mother?”, “You are the same as your father”, “he does not love me, and you there” will not lead to anything good. A woman should understand that it is she who is an adult and that all responsibility lies with her. You can not blame all your problems, worries, dissatisfaction on a small person who still can’t bear such a burden.
At the same time, you need to remain a mother and a woman, not trying to somehow replace the figure of the father. This is especially true for mothers of boys. Give your son the opportunity to be a knight: hold the door, help carry your purchases, give you a seat in public transport.
The main feature of raising a child without a father is in accepting the situation. Allow yourself to be a mother, to be a woman, to be happy, sometimes affectionate, sometimes strict. Do not replace real emotions with artificial ones and be yourself. A mother who is pleased with her life is more that you can give your baby.
Significant man
Single mothers are very worried that they are raising a child without a father. What can a son and daughter lose? What aspects of life do they miss? How will life in a single family affect them and their future?
The next advice on raising a child without a father concerns mothers of boys first of all, but parents of girls should also not lose sight of this moment. A significant man must be present in the life of any baby. In fairness, it is worth noting that even in complete families his father does not always play his role. Especially if he is not too focused on children or is constantly busy with work.
This role can take (sometimes even involuntarily) any man from the environment of a child who will win his special trust and respect. It can be a grandfather, godfather, family friend, friendly neighbor, trainer or teacher: his personality is actually not as important as the role that he plays in the life of a particular child.
This is a friend, a guide to the adult world, a mentor, a person who can be trusted with secrets and sorrows, ask for advice and find support. Such a man is especially important in the life of teenage boys who are only looking for themselves and their place, are confused, assert themselves, and for the most part have much more fears and complexes than other categories of people.
Happy mother - the guarantor of mentally healthy children
From the point of view of psychology, there are no perfectly healthy people. One of us, one way or another, has something to talk with a specialist. But most of us were brought up in complete families.
Life shows that many fathers are present in the life of a wife and children in a purely nominal way: they go to work at seven, return when the children sleep, spend the weekend at the computer or in the company of friends, bring money, and sometimes they can call a locksmith or plumber. Such a dad gives his descendants not too much.
And therefore, sometimes this is not the worst option when a child grows up without a father. What should a woman do if she, for some reason, is alone with her child? The most important thing is not to despair and not to get depressed. Numerous studies show that for a child's psyche, a depressed mother is much worse than the absence of a father.
In the absence of a man, a woman's life can go in two opposite ways. In the first case, she harbors grudge against the whole world and men in particular, in the second, she will perceive the incident as a lesson and continue to live on. So, in the first scenario, in every man he meets on her way, she will subconsciously see the enemy and, having discovered the slightest flaws, she will only be convinced of her own rightness. In the second, a woman has every chance to start life from scratch, meet a suitable partner and try a new scenario.
One way or another, the child sensitively reads the mood of the mother and thus forms an idea of men for herself. What it will be depends on the woman only.
Boys brought up by a mother offended by the whole world usually suffer from hidden complexes, most often they are infantile, unsure of themselves, seeking approval and support. In this situation, girls are distinguished by isolation and a sense of insecurity.
Thus, the best thing a woman who has lost her husband can do for her children is to find the strength in herself to become happy again.
Help for mom
When a woman brings up a child without a father, problems and ways to solve these problems arise spontaneously and weigh heavily on the woman's shoulders. When there is no partner nearby with whom you can share the hardships of parenthood, you have to bear responsibility alone.
According to psychologists, there are no children who sooner or later did not recover from separation of parents, and there are no women who are not injured by voluntary or forced separation from their husband. Contrary to popular belief, the children's psyche is more flexible and easier to adapt to external circumstances, and therefore it is a woman who needs to feel sorry, help and provide assistance. And she, updated and open to build relationships with the world, children and potential candidates for a life partner, she will then pull out the child herself.